Dear CLC Family,
I hope you take time to read another terrific example of "Circle 4"
Christianity. When the apostle Paul wrote to the Philippians, one of the
things he told them was this,
"Make it as clear as you can to all you meet
that you're on their side, working with
them and not against them." Philippians
4:5 (MSG)
Lord, as I read this article help me to envision how I can consistently
communicate to others what God (and therefore I) is for, rather than what
I am against. Amen."
Dan and Me: My Coming Out as a Friend of Dan Cathy and Chick-fil-A
Posted: 01/28/2013 12:58 pm
I spent New Year's Eve at the
red-blooded, all-American epicenter of college football: at the Chick-fil-A
Bowl, next to Dan Cathy, as his personal guest. It was among the most unexpected
moments of my life.
Yes, after months of personal
phone calls, text messages and in-person meetings, I am coming out in a new way,
as a friend of Chick-fil-A's president and COO, Dan Cathy, and I am nervous
about it. I have come to know him and Chick-fil-A in ways that I would not have
thought possible when I first started hearing from LGBT students about their
concerns over the chicken chain's giving practices.
For
many this news of friendship might be shocking. After all, I am an out,
40-year-old gay man and a lifelong
activist for equality. I am also the founder and executive director of Campus
Pride, the leading national organization for lesbian, gay, bisexual,
transgender (LGBT) and ally college students. Just seven months ago our
organization advanced a national
campaign against Chick-fil-A for the millions of dollars it donated to anti-LGBT
organizations and divisive political groups that work each day to harm
hardworking LGBT young people, adults and our families. I have spent quite some
time being angry at and deeply distrustful of Dan Cathy and Chick-fil-A. If he
had his way, my husband of 18 years and I would never be legally married.
Why was I now standing next
to him at one of the most popular football showdowns? How could I dare think to
have a relationship with a man and a company that have advocated against who I
am; who would take apart my family in the name of "traditional
marriage"; whose voice and views represented exactly the opposite of those
of the students for whom I advocate every day? Dan is the problem, and
Chick-fil-A is the enemy, right?
Like most LGBT people, I was
provoked by Dan's public opposition to marriage equality and his company's
problematic giving history. I had the background and history on him, so I
thought, and had my own preconceived notions about who he was. I knew this
character. No way did he know me. That was my view. But it was flawed.
For nearly a decade now, my
organization, Campus Pride, has been on the ground with student leaders
protesting Chick-fil-A at campuses across the country. I had researched
Chick-fil-A's nearly $5 million in funding, given since 2003, to anti-LGBT
groups. And the whole nation was aware that Dan was "guilty
as charged" in his support of a "biblical definition" of
marriage. What more was there to know?
On Aug. 10, 2012, in the heat
of the controversy, I got a surprise call from Dan Cathy. He had gotten my cell
phone number from a mutual business contact serving campus groups. I took the
call with great caution. He was going to tear me apart, right? Give me a piece
of his mind? Turn his lawyers on me?
The first call lasted over an
hour, and the private conversation led to more calls the next week and the week
after. Dan Cathy knew how to text, and he would reach out to me as new questions
came to his mind. This was not going to be a typical turn of events.
His questions and a series of
deeper conversations ultimately led to a number of in-person meetings with Dan
and representatives from Chick-fil-A. He had never before had such dialogue with
any member of the LGBT community. It was awkward at times but always genuine and
kind.
It is not often that people
with deeply held and completely opposing viewpoints actually risk sitting down
and listening to one another. We see this failure to listen and learn in our
government, in our communities and in our own families. Dan Cathy and I would,
together, try to do better than each of us had experienced before.
Never once did Dan or anyone
from Chick-fil-A ask for Campus Pride to stop protesting Chick-fil-A. On the
contrary, Dan listened intently to our concerns and the real-life accounts from
youth about the negative impact that Chick-fil-A was having on campus climate
and safety at colleges across the country. He was concerned about an incident
last fall where a fraternity was tabling next to the Chick-fil-A restaurant on
campus. Whenever an out gay student on campus would walk past the table, the
fraternity would chant, "We love Chick-fil-A," and then shout anti-gay
slurs at the student. Dan sought first to understand, not to be understood. He
confessed that he had been naïve to the issues at hand and the unintended
impact of his company's actions.
Chick-fil-A also provided
access to internal documents related to the funding of anti-LGBT groups and
asked questions about our concerns related to this funding. An internal
document, titled "Who We Are," expressed Chick-fil-A's values, which
included their commitment "to treat every person with honor, dignity and
respect," including LGBT people. Dan and his family members had personally
drafted, refined and approved the document.
Through all this, Dan and I
shared respectful, enduring communication and built trust. His demeanor has
always been one of kindness and openness. Even when I continued to directly
question his public actions and the funding decisions, Dan embraced the
opportunity to have dialogue and hear my perspective. He and I were committed to
a better understanding of one another. Our mutual hope was to find common ground
if possible, and to build respect no matter what. We learned about each other as
people with opposing views, not as opposing people.
During our meetings I came to
see that the Chick-fil-A brand was being used by both sides of the political
debate around gay marriage. The repercussion of this was a deep division and
polarization that was fueling feelings of hate on all sides. As a result, we
agreed to keep the ongoing nature of our meetings private for the time being.
The fire needed no more fuel.
Throughout the conversations
Dan expressed a sincere interest in my life, wanting to get to know me on a
personal level. He wanted to know about where I grew up, my faith, my family,
even my husband, Tommy. In return, I learned about his wife and kids and gained
an appreciation for his devout belief in Jesus Christ and his commitment to
being "a follower of Christ" more than a "Christian." Dan
expressed regret and genuine sadness when he heard of people being treated
unkindly in the name of Chick-fil-a -- but he offered no apologies for his
genuine beliefs about marriage.
And in that we had great
commonality: We were each entirely ourselves. We both wanted to be respected and
for others to understand our views. Neither of us could -- or would -- change.
It was not possible. We were different but in dialogue. That was progress.
In many ways, getting to know
Dan better has reminded me of my relationship with my uncle, who is a pastor at
a Pentecostal church. When I came out as openly gay in college, I was aware that
his religious views were not supportive of homosexuality. But my personal
relationship with my uncle reassured me of his love for me -- and that love
extends to my husband. My uncle would never want to see any harm come to me or
Tommy. His beliefs prevented him from fully reconciling what he understood as
the immorality of homosexuality with the morality of loving and supporting me
and my life. It was, and remains, an unsolvable riddle for him, hating the sin
and loving the sinner.
My relationship with Dan is
the same, though he is not my family. Dan, in his heart, is driven by his desire
to minister to others and had to choose to continue our relationship throughout
this controversy. He had to both hold to his beliefs and welcome me into them.
He had to face the issue of respecting my viewpoints and life even while not
being able to reconcile them with his belief system. He defined this to me as
"the blessing of growth." He expanded his world without abandoning it.
I did, as well.
As Dan and I grew through
mutual dialogue and respect, he invited me to be his personal guest on New
Year's Eve at the Chick-fil-A Bowl. This was an event that Campus Pride and
others had planned to protest. Had I been played? Seduced into his billionaire's
life? No. It was Dan who took a great risk in inviting me: He stood to face the
ire of his conservative base (and a potential boycott) by being seen or
photographed with an LGBT activist. He could have been portrayed as "caving
to the gay agenda" by welcoming me.
Instead, he stood next to me
most of the night, putting respect ahead of fear. There we were on the
sidelines, Dan, his wife, his family and friends and I, all enjoying the game.
And that is why building a relationship with someone I thought I would never
understand mattered. Our worlds, different as they can be, could coexist
peacefully. The millions of college football fans watching the game never could
have imagined what was playing out right in front of them. Gay and straight,
liberal and conservative, activist and evangelist -- we could stand together in
our difference and in our respect. How much better would our world be if more
could do the same?
This past week Chick-fil-A
shared with me the 2011 IRS Form 990, filed in November for the WinShape
Foundation, along with 2012 financials. The IRS has not released the 990 to the
public yet, but the financials affirm Chick-fil-A's values a year prior to the
controversy this past July. The nearly $6 million in outside grant funding
focuses on youth, education, marriage enrichment and local communities. The
funding reflects Chick-fil-A's promised commitment not to engage in
"political or social debates," and the most divisive anti-LGBT groups
are no longer listed.
Even as Campus Pride and so
many in the community protested Chick-fil-A and its funding of groups like
Family Research Council, Eagle Forum and Exodus International, the funding of
these groups had already stopped. Dan Cathy and Chick-fil-A could have noted
this publicly earlier. Instead, they chose to be patient, to engage in private
dialogue, to reach understanding, and to share proof with me when it was
official. There was no "caving"; there were no
"concessions." There was, in my view, conscience.
Now it is all about the
future, one defined, let's hope, by continued mutual respect. I will not change
my views, and Dan will likely not change his, but we can continue to listen,
learn and appreciate "the blessing of growth" that happens when we
know each other better. I hope that our nation's political leaders and campus
leaders might do the same.
In the end, it is not about
eating (or eating a certain chicken sandwich). It is about sitting down at a
table together and sharing our views as human beings, engaged in real,
respectful, civil dialogue. Dan would probably call this act the biblical
definition of hospitality. I would call it human decency. So long as we are all
at the same table and talking, does it matter what we call it or what we eat?
Follow
Shane L. Windmeyer on Twitter: www.twitter.com/ShaneWindmeyer
